January 3, 2023
5. Ben Affleck
There is not much about Ben Affleck that hasn’t been said already. First, before I explain why he is the worst, let me give him some credit and explain why he is only five on this list. Ben Affleck has not always been the worst. He has some great writing credits to his name, including Good Will Hunting which is widely regarded as a fantastic script. He has not always been a bad actor either, giving us genuinely solid performances in films like Good Will Hunting, Gone Girl, and Dazed and Confused. In addition to this, while DC Comics has been a mess over the last ten to fifteen years, Batfleck definitely wasn’t their worst decision (we’ll dive into that later), in fact, I almost didn’t mind him as Batman. Yes, he was a bit corny, but Affleck and his suit may have been some of the truest comic book recreations of Batman to date. For these reasons, I have tried to like Ben Affleck. I have tried to look past the bad. Spoiler alert: I can’t, he sucks. In films not mentioned above, he is a consistently awful and unbelievable actor. It’s true that Affleck has played countless types of roles, but his character never changes in any of them. He is always a brooding white dude that shows little to no convincing emotion. Somehow the only emotion he manages to show in his films is when he’s having sex with or degrading every other important female character in the narrative. On top of this, in Afflecks own films he almost always writes himself having sex with some girl or another. Have yall seen The Town? For your sake, I hope not. It’s the worst heist movie I‘ve ever seen with some of the corniest acting and random action sequences to date. Worst of all, Affleck writes himself having sex with two different women. The man is compensating for something for sure.
Actor rating:
Applebees server/10
Least favorite films:
The Town (Ben Affleck), Batman V.S. Superman (Zack Snyder)
4. John David Washington
This may be a controversial one but that’s the point. Let me preface this by saying that even though I think John David Washington is a shit actor, I actually still quite like seeing the guy on screen which is why he is only fourth on this list. John David Washington is honestly a lot like Ben Affleck when it comes to acting. He plays a pretty stoic, quiet, unemotional character in every movie. With that being said, Washington has none of the redeeming qualities of Affleck. Washington has consistently been unemotional and boring in his films with no writing credits or strong performances of note. The only thing about him that is of note is that his father is one of the best actors of all time. It’s giving nepotism baby. My favorite performance of his is in BlackKlansman where at least Spike Lee is able to make Washington seem interested in his role. In films like Tenet and Amsterdam, Washington just seems bored most of the time giving an incredibly half-assed and monotone performance wherever he can. With that being said, maybe that’s just him and maybe he will continue to be typecast in the role of “boring man” for years to come and I will probably continue watching him be a boring man in that case; however, Washington is one of the hottest actors working right now and I don’t think he deserves any of this praise. Washington is nepotism at its finest.
Actor Rating:
Starbucks barista/10
Least favorite films:
Amsterdam (David O’ Russel), Tenet (Christopher Nolan)
3. John Krasinski
Alright guys, The Office has been done since 2013, let’s stop trying to convince ourselves John Krasinski is a good actor. The Office is one of my favorite shows of all time so this certainly pains me to say but Krasinski has been nudging his way back into the industry for years and the only people who even remotely care are fans of The Office. That is because once again, he is not good at his job. He was boring and unconvincing in A Quiet Place and his writing in both parts is rather unoriginal. I almost laughed my ass off in theaters when I saw him in Doctor Strange. Some nights I walk into my living room to see my dad watching Amazon Prime’s Jack Ryan, the main character who is played by Krasinski, and I can’t help but thinking “you couldn’t find anything better to watch Dad? This is seriously your hero? Jim Halpert?”. The only word I can used to define Krasinski's acting is unconvincing. Hollywood keeps trying to cast him as the hero and that is just not him. Whether this is because he is still living in the shadow of his role as Jim Halpert or he is simply a bad actor is yet to be decided. Either way, I’m sick of seeing him on screen. GET EM OUTTA HEER.
Actor Rating: 9 to 5 paper salesman/10
Least Favorite FIlms: A Quiet Place (John Krasinski)
2. Gal Gadot
I’m all for cultural diversity. I’m an Indian kid who grew up in California. I know what diversity is. I also feel like I have a grasp on when it’s being forced and it feels like Gal Gadot has been shoved down Hollywood’s throat ever since she was hot in Fast and Furious. If Hollywood needs a sexy foreign girl in a movie the casting director will probably say “don’t worry I know someone” and come back with fucking Gal Gadot. Take this with a grain of salt because I have not seen any films with Gadot speaking in her native language, so maybe the language barrier plays a bigger role than I am accounting for in Gadot’s English performances. Bottom line is, Gadot is an awful actor who is responsible for the worst movie I have ever seen hands down, Wonder Woman 1984. If you have seen this movie and you think there is a worse movie out there, please contact me at brianchander123@gmail.com because I need to see it. This movie fucking sucks. A quarter of this blame can be given to Patty Jenkins, a quarter can be given to terrible CGI, but the rest of it is Gal Gadot’s fault. Her vocal inflection is consistently off, her emotion is off, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt connected to a character of hers. Gal Gadot is by far my least favorite actress to see in a movie these days and it seems to me that Hollywood is doing the same thing they did with her with Ana De Armas who I actually think may have some form of talent.
Actor Rating:
Israeli foot soldier/10
Least Favorite Movie:
Wonder Woman 1984 (Zack Snyder)
1. Tom Holland
Tom Holland is an industry plant child grown in a lab by the Illuminati. There. I said it. And let me top that off by saying that Zendaya and Holland’s relationship is a sham for spiderman promo. You know I’m right, don’t try to argue. But all jokes aside, who told Tom Holland that he could act because he cannot. I understand his Spiderman casting at least, they wanted to go for a younger-looking version of Peter Parker, which makes sense. I was on board at first, but after five movies the kid has just gotten soooo annoying. Every time he speaks it’s like nails on a chalkboard. Don’t even get me started with his Uncharted casting. As a long-time fan of the Uncharted video game series, hearing that Tom Holland was cast as Nathan Drake actually made me want to bash my head against a concrete wall. I could say more but honestly don’t feel that it’s necessary.
Actor Rating:
incoming 6th grader/10
Least Favorite Movie:
All of them
Honorable mention goes to... TOM HANKS
If you like any of Tom Hanks movies you are probably a seventy-five-year-old woman named Mary who still bathes in a large bucket. Hanks will put any normal human watching his movies to sleep within five minutes.
INSTEAD
of wasting your time watching movies with these shit actors in them. Check out these five underappreciated performers!
5. Phillip Seymore Hoffman
There isn’t a ton to be said about Phillip Seymour Hoffman which hasn’t been already. Hoffman is simply a great actor and he is the only actor on this list who has won an academy award for best lead actor, winning as Truman Capote, in Capote, which is why he ranks so low on this list. He truly embodies every role that he takes on and has range like no other. In addition, he has been a part of some of my favorite movies of all time including a long-standing string of great performances in Paul Thomas Anderson’s films.
Truth be told, Hoffman is a widely renowned actor, but the reason he makes this list is simply because I believe he deserves more recognition from the mainstream community. Casual viewers are so eager to praise actors like Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio for their range and talent, but Hoffman has been doing it for longer and better. He deserves more praise! Hoffman is not only a great actor but he is one of the best of our generation. Hoffman is a De Niro, a Day-Lewis, he is one of those actors that has truly blessed us with his work, and in an age of spectacle, franchise films, we fail to give him the credit he deserves. Watch out for Hoffman’s son, Cooper Hoffman as well, who was great in Paul Thomas Anderson’s Licorice Pizza last year and has a ton of promise as an actor.
Favorite Films:
Synecdoche, New York (Charlie Kaufman), Magnolia (Paul Thomas Anderson), Punch Drunk Love (Paul Thomas Anderson)
4. Carey Mulligan
Carey Mulligan is an amazing young actress whom I fail to hear casual viewers nor film enthusiasts mention in the realm of today’s A list actresses. Don’t let that fool you however, she is more than capable of filling a strong female role in any type of narrative. Mulligan is another actor that has tremendous range. I first saw her in the film Drive directed by Nicolas Winding Refn and continued to discover her in more and more films from there. In Drive she delivers a heartbreaking take on a stoic, closed off, single mother. In The Great Gatsby Mulligan gives life to F. Scott Fitzgerald’s Daisy, who I thought was one of the stronger characters in the movie after reading the book. In Inside Llewyn Davis, Mulligan is a delight every time she comes on screen as Jean Berkey, consistently bitching at the pathetic Davis (Oscar Isaac). Consistently Mulligan is able to bring a much needed presence to each film that she is in. While I’m not sure of her capability of carrying a whole narrative by herself (I have not yet gotten around to seeing films like An Education or Promising Young Woman where I have heard she is fantastic) she has received several awards for lead roles and I expect her to continue to make a name for herself in the future.
Favorite Films:
Drive (Nicholas Winding Refn), Inside Lewyn Davis (Joel and Ethan Coen), Shame (Steve Mcqueen)
3. Emily Watson
Emily Watson is an actor that I was largely unaware of until this year. She has mostly flown under the radar throughout the later 2000s but has two main performances that I think are fantastic, both of which are films that Phillip Seymore Hoffman appears in coincidently. These are Punch Drunk Love and Synecdoche New York. In Punch Drunk Love, Watson plays an aloof and anxiety-filled Lena Leonard. Punch Drunk Love is the perfect romance film to me largely because of Paul Thomas Anderson’s depiction of love between realistic, flawed human beings but the film is ultimately carried by Adam Sandler and Emily Watson’s performances. In Synecdoche New York, Emily Watson plays Tammy. I won’t really get into her character because that movie is a magical cluster of madness but the point is she was awesome as well. Like Carey Mulligan, I have yet to experience her talents in a true lead role; however, what I have seen from her in these two films alone is enough to convince me that she deserves more attention from the public and filmmakers.
Favorite Films:
Synecdoche New York (Charlie Kaufman), Punch Drunk Love (Paul Thomas Anderson), Breaking the Waves (Lars Von Trier)
2. Rooney Mara
Rooney Mara is a very hot actress at the moment: gaining traction by the day. She comes in at number two on this list as I think her rise is extremely well warranted and she has not yet truly been given the credit she deserves. She is a talented woman who can easily carry a film. There is no better example than her role as Lisbeth in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. This film is one of my favorite Fincher films for many reasons but a lot of it can be attributed to Mara and her character. I have not yet had the pleasure of seeing Noomi Rapace’s rendition of Lisbeth in the original films which I have heard are fantastic as well. Regardless, Mara’s take on the mysterious and intelligent hacker is great and it was enough to keep my eyes glued to the screen the whole way through. Mara is so much in character in this film that for about a year after seeing the film, I didn't even know it was her. In addition, Mara was great in Spike Jones’s Her as well where she plays the most convincing bitchy ex of all time. Every word she says in the film is delivered perfectly making for some great, quotable lines. There are still movies I have yet to see from her like Carol which she was given the Cannes best actress award for in 2015, but I certainly plan to see them in the future. Overall Mara is one of the world's premier young actresses and her name attached to a film alone is enough to convince me to watch it.
Favorite Films:
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (David Fincher), Her (Spike Jones), A Ghost Story (David Lowery)
1. Matt Dillon
Matt Dillon is a bit of an enigma to me. Truth be told I have only seen one feature-length film that he stars in. Dillon has been around forever and been a part of many iconic films, most of which were before my time and are rated terribly enough to convince me not to waste my time on them. With that being said, Matt Dillon’s performance in The House that Jack Built, directed by Lars Von Trier, may be one of the single greatest acting performances I have ever seen. Before I go on, let me give you a little warning surrounding this film. Lars Von Trier is a fucking psychopath and this movie may be distrubing for many. The film surrounds Matt Dillon’s character, a serial killer named Jack with several mental illnesses, as he recounts multiple experiences of murder on his way to Hell. The film is overwhelmingly pretentious and a little distasteful but it comes with some of the best cinematography, thought provoking conversations, and most importantly, one of the most realistic depictions of the extent of the human mind. For a majority of the film, we are stuck inside Jack’s brain which is a maze of twisted logic. We can understand as viewers how Jack makes his conclusions but in an empathetic world with real social constructs, we know he is completely wrong in the end. Dillon creates a seemingly innocent character that we almost want to sympathize with at multiple parts of the film. Every time we think we truly understand him; however, he does something unimaginably horrible. Dillon takes a twisted character in Jack and makes him unbelievably real. He presents the character as someone you could know in real life, always waiting on a reason to snap and turn on you. The general frame of praise goes to actors like John Hopkins and Javier Bardem when talking about great movie psychopaths but to me, Matt Dillon’s performance as Jack was truly the realist and most frightening depiction of a psychopath I have ever seen. In addition to this film, it was awesome to see Dillon in Yorgos Lathimos’s recent short film entitled Mimic. While Dillon isn’t getting any younger, I hope to see him secure some more lead roles in Hollywood in the coming years as he is truly an amazing actor.
Favorite FIlms:
The House that Jack Built (Lars Von Trier)
Honorable Mention goes to... Adam Sandler
The conversation about Adam Sandler being a real actor has been around for years. Get it through your head. He is a great fucking actor and one of the best of our time. Uncut Gems and Punch Drunk Love are fantastic and if you are still looking for your fill of Sandler, watch The Meyerowitz Stories directed by Noah Baumbach which I think is the best depiction of family in a film that I have ever seen.
Written by Brian Chander